These common responses are automatic reactions we all have when we are communicating with others, especially when emotions become involved. Each of these roadblocks build a barrier in communication that you may not be conscious of.
John Bolton helps describe these as “High risk responses” that can potentially spoil lines of communication between you and the person you’re speaking to. If you can reduce your own use of the following responses, you will be able to start having a more comfortable and open conversation with other people.
1. Criticising
Some people’s natural response is to judge another person’s opinion when it’s shared, but but we could do more to only listen instead. Being criticised leads to defensiveness.
There are alternatives to criticism for trying to teach or improve someone’s abilities, such as being supportive and helpful, and helping the other feel like you’re on their team, rather than judging them.
2. Labelling
Calling people names, or stereotyping their personality, labelling them, often brings an impression of negativity for all involved.
Clark Moustakas: “Labels and classifications make it appear that we know the other, when actually we’ve caught the shadow, not the substance… these labels have replaced human meanings, unique feelings and growing life within and between persons.”
3. Diagnosing
A form of labelling that is an attempt to assess someone’s emotion state, whether it’s accurate or inaccurate, such as asking someone: “Why are you so defensive?”.
“Some people, instead of listening to the substance of what a person is saying, play emotional detective, probing for hidden motives, psychological complexes, and the like”.
4. Praising Evaluatively
There’s praise that is purely well-meaning for the recipient, and then there’s praise that is given that is manipulative. When someone receives praise with the subtext of manipulating them towards a certain behaviour that is more agreeable for the person giving our the praise, it can breed resentment.
Praise given to others should always be genuine, and as recognition of another’s achievements, and should always come from a good place where you’re truly happy for them, and not self-serving.
5. Ordering
Ordering someone to do something by force can undermine their own judgement and self-esteem. It can lead to resistance or sabotage.
6. Threatening
Providing a solution to someone with the threat of a punishment, or negative outcome, if it is not followed through, leads to similar issues above, such as resistance or sabotage.
7. Moralising
Moralising is telling someone that your solution is the right choice because of a social, moral, or religious authority. This can lead to resentment and is counterproductive to encouraging honest self-expression.
8. Inappropriate Questioning
Asking questions of each other is normal in any conversation, but when the answers received are one word and show disinterest, then the person receiving the questions becomes defensive. Asking more questions is counterproductive in this case.
9. Advising
Not knowing the question, it was easy for him to give the answer.
– Dag Hammarskjold, Swedish Diplomat
Robert Bolton: “Advice is often a basic insult to the intelligence of the other person. It implies a lack of confidence in the capacity of the person with the problem to understand and cope with his or her own difficulties.”
Norman Kagan: “.. we implicitly say to someone, ‘You have been making a big deal out of a problem whose solution is immediately apparent to me – how stupid you are!”
10. Diverting
Ignoring the concerns of the person talking and changing the topic of conversation.
This is commonly perpetrated by someone for the following reasons: they are not an effective listener, or they prefer to talk about themselves or a topic they’re more intellectually or emotionally comfortable with.
11. Logical Argument
If the conversation is emotionally charged, then logic goes out the window, and presenting a logical solution is more likely rejected and may cause anger. The emotions and the reason for them must be talked out and dealt with first.
12. Reassurance
It may seem like this can only lead to positive experiences, but it actually avoids talking about the assured person’s emotions and asking why they feel that way.
Robert Bolton: “Reassuring someone is often used by people who like the idea of being helpful, but who do not want to experience the emotional demand that goes with it.”
13. Telling People They Are Sending Roadblocks
At it’s core it’s criticising, and attempting to put yourself above who you’re speaking to. It can cause defensiveness in the other person.